Okay, seriously, where did August and September go? No one told me aging means that your life suddenly goes on jetpropel to the finish line. This does not make me happy at all. Especially when it's a finish line that I don't particularly want to see.
So to summarize in a nutshell....August was great, summer finally arrived. I went swimming every day. September was bad, my blood sugar and blood pressure decided to join forces against me and both went out of whack at the same time. Just in time for the High Holidays. It happened so suddenly, too. It made me wonder if it was a sign from above to seriously look at my life and where I wanted it to go.
Per doctor's orders, I did not go to services this year, and I have to say that I did not miss it. Not one little bit. Instead, I went for a long walk in the woods with my dogs, Max and Brinkley. And surprise! I felt a far more profound and significant connection to God there than I ever felt in our Reform Synagogue.
The immediate question I asked was why? How could that be? I love being Jewish.
There was a time in my life, when the kids were small, that I walked to the Orthodox Shul every Saturday and every holiday without fail. We celebrated Shabbos every week, had friends over for the Friday night. My kids wore tzitzis and kippahs and I kept my house kosher. We were practically Shomer Shabbos! So, what happened?
Well, I was happy and content with the way our lives were filled with the rituals and traditions of Judaism, but my husband was miserable. He was raised in a Reform household. Oh sure, they had Friday night dinner, but then everyone went their way. They did not have Havdalah or a Sukkah or their very own lulav and esrog. He hated the Orthodox service. Where I found comfort in the ancient words being said the same way and at the same time with the same tunes and chants, my husband was bored. Even though he reads Hebrew beautifully and understands a lot of it, Will objected to the service being all in Hebrew.
By the time my sons had their Bnai Mitzvot, they realized their father hated the Orthodox way of life. So, the three of them ganged up on me and announced they no longer wished to be kosher, they no longer wanted Friday nights, and they sure as heck weren't going to shul anymore. Within a week my beautiful kosher kitchen was no more and my lovely way of life with so my family, my traditions and ritual, and my feeling that my life had a Higher meaning, was out the door.
Now it was only my daughter and I who were at the Shabbos dinner table during the bruchas. The men in the family arrived after they were finished.
Even going to Israel for my daughter's Bat Mitzvah did not sway them from what I thought were their errant ways. The Goldstein men are quite content without religion in their lives.
I tried to reintroduce Shabbos a couple of years ago, but it's not really working. Two of my kids are in show Business and often have gigs on Friday nights. The third one is the child who had rebelled the most against being Orthodox.
There a few things that are clear, now. My husband is quite content, now that he isn't required to attend services or have people in his house for Shabbos and the holidays. So are my sons. My daughter misses the Friday nights and holiday festivities.
But what is most obvious to me now is that I am the one who is miserable.
What to do??
There's the conundrum. Really, what do you do? Two opposite ends of the religious spectrum living in one household. Who wins. Or more to the point can anyone win in this kind of situation?
Being ill for over a month has certainly given me time to reflect on that and what is important to me and what makes me happy. And now that I've started on this path of introspection and reflection I realize it's going to take a lot more time before I can make any kind of serious decisions.
There are, however, three things I do know, now. I love my husband very much, even though he drives me crazy. I do want to write more and have a lot more time to do that. And I do want to be kosher again, maybe even be vegetarian. Just have to convince my husband about that one.
I do think that both my husband and I need to slow our lives down a lot. We ain't spring chickens anymore, no we ain't. And then once that happens, maybe I can slowly reintroduce Shabbos just for me.
That would be a good start to making me happy.
Shana Tova everyone.